Getting married is a dream every girl has, on the contrary the fear of leaving her family and specially her mother is also there. A girl dreams of having a partner for life, who would be with her in every ups and downs of life and for whom she’ll be his priority, but also she’s scared if he’s not the right guy for her and if he doesn’t treat her the way she deserves to be treated. A girl always expects her hubby to be the best of her friends but also fears if he doesn’t feel the same. I being a girl, have always wished for a partner who loves me more that his materialistic property, who cares for me more than a mother, who treats me like a princess, who never looks at me with eyes full of anger or hatred, who always understands me & if not, then at least tries to understand, a man who doesn’t get angry at little things, a man for whom abusing his wife is equal to a sin. I expect him to help me get accustomed to his family’s customs and traditions. I expect him to remember that am a human being and I too can make mistakes, which won’t be repeated if he helps. I want him to know that I am a girl with a weak heart, who cannot stand rebukes and hatred and so I expect him to treat me with love. I being a girl, expect my guy to admire my beauty more than Preity Zinta, Kareena Kapoor, Aishwariya Ray or anyone. I want him to remind me every day that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. I think I deserve to be loved by him beyond all imaginations. I want all these qualities in A SINGLE MAN, because………….. because I left, for him, a mother who loved me the most, a father who cared for me the most, a brother who treated me like a lil princess, friends who understood me always, a family that was always by my side in the ups and downs of my life. My mother is the one I love the most but for a man whom I have hardly known I will be leaving her. I might not be getting to know when at times she must be missing me, I might not be aware of if she’s going through a bad headache and needs someone to massage her head, I might be unaware of the fact that she’s all alone at home when Dad & bro are at work and she needs someone around. I will be leaving a mother who’s nothing less than an angel to me. I’ll be leaving a father who no doubt scolds me at times but after a while also comes and asks me if I took my meal or not, who even uses some harsh words out of anger but never means to hurt me, a father who when sees a nice dress in a shop, gets for me without me asking for it, a father who, when gets something good to eat, calls me from my room & gives me. I’ll be leaving a father who’s nothing less than a hero to me. I also will be leaving behind a brother, who always fights with me & threatens to hit me someday but always stands against any danger coming my way, a brother who says, “I won’t give you a penny the next time” but still gets me a Fastrack watch when he goes shopping for himself. I’ll be separating from a brother who’s not my best friend but my true friend. And I also will be leaving friends who have always said, “Aray yaar tension mat le, things would be fine soon. We are there na?” Friends who would make me cry but seeing my tears would hug me and say ‘sorry’ too and just the moment I would say, ‘it’s ok’ they would again start teasing me. My friends are the worst creatures on earth but are also the best of best friends.

I certainly don’t feel that I’m expecting too much from my husband if I want him to have the qualities that of my father, mother, brother and my best friend.

A2fa ©

I need you to be with me, to comfort me when I feel uncomfortable, to ease me when I feel uneasy, I need you to lend me your shoulders when I need support, I need you to explain things to me when my memory gives up, I need you to guide me when I'm lost, I need you to scold me when I disobey you, I need you to hug me when I feel lonely, I need you to look at me and smile when I cry and then say, "Lil Doll, stop crying babu, but you know what, you really look cute when you cry.." & then laugh out loud, I need you to narrate a 10 pages' story just to put forward a 10 words' message, I need you to quietly stare at me and smile for no reason and then say, "Kaala teeka laga lena" & that too at a time when am in my worst of looks. I need you to become my motivation when I'm totally demotivated and demoralized, I need you to have faith in my capabilities and help me to rise when I have given up fully, I need you to love me when I have no love left for myself, I need you to remember me when I have forgotten myself, I need you to understand me when I can't judge my own actions, I need you to know me when I have lost my identity, I need you forever and if you think you can't support me forever then I need you at least till the time I learn to walk without any support, till the time I learn to laugh without anyone tickling my stomach, till the time I learn to wipe my own tears, till the time I learn to guide my own self, till the time I learn to understand a 10 words' moral without reading a 10 pages' story, till the time I learn to live on my own, till the time I learn to live alone & if not all these, then AT LEAST till the time I LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT O2.

(A dedication to a friend, who's not my friend, nor are we best friend, who's not even my BF, nor my brother, but we are bound by a UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP, which is yet not discovered!) :)

A2fa ©

There are some people who will claim to love and understand you but they actually don’t. They will say they don’t like to see you cry, but the maximum amount of tears shed by you will be because of them only. They will say “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just love to tease you. Sorry if you were hurt.” But trust me, they will repeat the same thing again and again, even after knowing that it hurts you to the core. There are some people who don’t understand the difference between “HURTING” and “TEASING”. Teasing is okay but till the time it’s not hurting. Once it starts to hurt, it’s not called teasing but HURTING. People badly fail to understand this difference even after you telling them a hundred time. I wonder why? Are they really that dumb or do they really love to hurt you? Man, if you love to hurt me then have the guts to tell it on the face. Why show fake care and say false things on the face and then hurt pretending as if you didn’t know it would hurt me? Hypocrisy is not good. But some people love being hypocrites, I don’t know why?

There’s a huge difference between “MAKING fun” and “HAVING fun”. And true love doesn’t mean making fun of the one you love. True love means understanding her and making her feel safe and comfortable. Talking about s*x is not called showing loving, discussing adult stuffs is not called caring, trying out romance every time is not called understanding. Loving, caring and understanding are all synonyms or one word substitution for “Respecting the feelings of your love”. If you don’t respect me and my feelings, you DON’T love me. If you don’t respect my likes and dislikes, you DON’T love me, if you think I’m a stupid kid for not talking non-veg with you, it means you DON’T understand or respect me. Before loving someone, one MUST learn to respect women. And to understand their feelings.

We women are like “Touch me not” plant, once you do something wrong with her, she droops for the rest of her life. “Touch me not” droops temporarily but the case with women is a little different. A girl is looked down upon if she’s raped even though it was against her wish. So what about a girl who does unethical things on her own wish and will? Will there be a guy to accept her and love her above all? No, I don’t think such a spirit exists on this earth yet. So this is how sensitive we girls are. Please! Please! Please! It’s a REQUEST from the bottom of my heart, RESPECT GIRLS, love them but DON’T force yourselves on them, care for them but don’t suffocate them, desire to have them but don’t lust for them. A woman is a mother, a sister, a daughter and a wife and I don’t think men can survive without any of them.

A2fa ©

I no more feel safe. I feel like a criminal. Whose crime is being a girl. Every time I go out for college, tuitions or anywhere, my Mom says, “Be safe! Return home safely. Do not go here. Do not go there. Keep calling me at intervals. Pick up my call at once. Do not walk like this. Don’t be late. Come back home straight. Don’t go to some place with friends. Stay away from guys. Look down and walk don’t keep looking at people and attract them.” and many others. I feel like I’m not going to college but for a war. Every day, the moment I enter home safely, I feel like a victor. Entering home safely gives me a pleasure that is beyond the capability of words to explain. At times I feel why am I a girl? Couldn’t God make me a guy? Why is it that before leaving the house I feel like am going to enter into a world where anything wrong can happen to me anytime anywhere? Why do I feel that am stepping out of my safety zone once I leave my house premises? Why do I feel like a criminal who can be caught by the collar anytime and killed? What is my CRIME?

A “6” year old girl raped! Why? What was her fault that she had to face this torture? Did she want to get raped? Did she like getting raped? Did it give her some pleasure? Was her happiness and satisfaction involved in it? Was it done with her approval? Had she provoked the guy by exposing? Had she seduced the guy? Had she chosen to be a girl? Had she chosen to get raped? Had she chosen to face this torment? Had she chosen to live her life in shame and pain? Or was being a GIRL her ONLY mistake? Is the answer for all these is a “YES”?

The only fault she had was, she like chocolates, like any other girl, like me. And her liking for chocolates took her out of her safety zone. She went to buy herself some chocolates. And her life changed. She is now fighting death in government hospital. I think India should ban these chocolate factories and suppliers. Chocolates should be totally boycotted in India. May be then will the girls of India be safe. They won’t become a victim of those lusty men, while trying to satisfy their lust for chocolates.

I wonder what kind of a heart those men have. How shameless and heartless are these men. Often girls are blamed for getting raped as they are said to have exposed. Or to have shown some sign of arrogance. To my astonishment, did this 6 year old girl do the same which incited the guy? Did she even have that much sense to flaunt herself? Damn it! She JUST & JUST went out to get herself some chocolates. Hoping to return home safely in a couple of minutes jumping and hopping. She didn’t know it would land her up in some hospital.

A2fa ©

There was no better option than letting you go. I’m bound to do that. You were a friend, a true friend, a type of friend that I never had before, you were a motivation to me, you made me realize the importance of my life, you made me plan my dreams and goals, you were all that, that inspired me to derive the purpose of my life, you were a person to make me feel and understand the basic values of life and to become self-dependent & independent. I never had enough courage to do things that I did after you came into my life. I never thought I would come out of the exam hall and say “my paper went superb”, when I bought the book just one day before my exam. You were undoubtedly a messenger of God to me, who came and made me realize the values of life and then left silently. I never wanted to disappoint you, I never meant to hurt you, I never wanted to see tears in your eyes, and I never wanted to listen to your trembling and quivering voice. I got to learn a lot from you, in fact you taught me the true meaning of life. You taught me the purpose of me being on this planet, you developed confidence in me.

But….

I’m SORRY..

I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that I made you cry, I’m sorry that I could give you nothing in return, I’m sorry that I made things complicated for you, I’m sorry for I couldn’t prove to be a good friend, I’m sorry for I disappointed you, I’M SORRY FOR I LET YOU GO.

But….

I’m BOUND..

I’m bound by hundreds of things, I’m bound by hundreds of expectations, I’m bound my hundreds of rules and regulations, I’m bound by hundreds of responsibilities, I’m bound by hundreds of favours which can’t be shoved off. I’m helpless, I’ve nothing better to do, I’m left with no superior option to be practiced, I’m not in a state to overcome the confusion inside me, I’m unable to get things in place or put them together, I’m impotent to derive the correct out of so many in-corrects. Things are not on my path, things are not in my favour. I’ve no way out. I HAVE to be the loser either ways.

I WISH….

I wish things could go the way I want them to, I wish I could live my life the way I want to, I wish there were no limits and boundaries to the things I wanted to do, I wish could write my destiny the way I want it to be and then change it over and again if it didn’t go well with the prevailing conditions, I wish I had SOMEEEE super-natural power that could make my life MY OWN!

My life is not my own, many others have a share in it, so I just can’t live it all by my own. There are certain pledges to be carried out, there are a number of connexions to be kept in mind. I’m just so helpless. I sometimes have to do things that are not in my favour but is the correct choice. I have to go against my heart and my will and take decisions keeping in mind the expectations of others around me.

But never mind….

It’s good to end things on a happy note.

So, my dear friend, you’ll ALWAYS be remembered in my heart and stay there forever as one of the good things that happened to me. And hope to meet soon after a couple of years during an interviewing session with you. Till then, a sweet GOOD-BYE to you.

Love & Blessings! :)

A2fa ©

I fight with you, I hurt you, I argue with you, I disobey you, I don’t listen to you, I don’t follow your instructions, at times I make you cry too, I shout at you, I get angry with you, I am not one of the most obedient children, I do things against your will, I ignore you at times, I use harsh words when am upset or angry, But Mom, I LOVE YOU THE MOST!! I can leave the WHOLE WORLD FOR YOU!! I dunno why I behave bad with you at times but I NEVER meant to hurt you, for you are my life, you are the one because of whom I have my existence in this world. Love you Mumma.. :* Muaahh!!

A2fa ©

When u were a kid, your dolls & video games & toy cars & friends were your priorities..
When u entered your teen, watching T.V, making friends, playing in school's play ground were your priorities..
Reaching towards the end of your teens, friends, always looking smart & beautiful & presentable all the time was your priority..
Then College life, friends, mobile & whatsapping and enjoying were your priorities..
Studies were ALWAYS there but not as a priority for the most of us..
But there's only ONE priority that remains CONSTANT, i.e FRIENDSHIP..
But FRIENDS DO NOT remain constant..
You get new ones & forget the old ones..
Ur priorities shift from one friend to another..
So that's life, NOTHING to feel BAD about.. :'(
(This is what I'm trying to teach myself)

A2fa ©

Dear Diary,

        You know what? People think that I'm a TOY. But I'm NOT. You know na, that I'm NOT a toy.... I too have a heart that pains, that aches, that has got feelings; feelings of love, feelings of hatred, feelings of pain, sorrow, grief.. Then, why doesn't these people understand? Why do they think me to be a toy? Temme, how do I tell them that their harsh words Hurt me? How to make them understand that their behaviour, their hatred, their ignorance, their mis-treatment wounds my heart? Tell me! How do I tell them? If people call me ‘Doll’, that DOESN’T mean I’m as heartless and feeling-less as a doll. Damn it! I AM A HUMAN…. I AM A GIRL! AND I HAVE A HEART WHICH IS NOT AS STRONG AS THAT OF GUYS! I AM EVEN MORE SENSITIVE THAN THE ‘TOUCH ME NOT’ PLANT! The ‘touch me not” droops down when you touch it, but even ONE Harsh word coming from you droops me. Am I not more sensitive than ‘Touch me not’? Yes, I am…. I know I am.. And that’s bad.. Isn’t it?

                   My dear Diary, why don’t you help me become strong? Why don’t you give me some suggestions? You ONLY LISTEN to my problems but never respond to them.. WHY?? I know I’m selfish, I ONLY come to you when I’m totally shattered, broken or depressed, rest of the time I don’t even give you a look. But still, it’s your highness that you ALWAYS listen to my problems very silently & patiently & never get bored or annoyed. When none listen to me YOU DO.. I LOVE YOU MY DEAR DIARY! Talking to you reliefs me. But, please temme na, WHY do people take me for granted? Why do they treat me like a toy, a doll that has got NO FEELINGS, NO PAIN, NO EMOTIONS, NOTHING? I’m giving you time to research and think over it.. FIND OUT AND LET ME KNOW SOON!! WAITING!!

Love A2fa!

A2fa ©

Judai do qism ki hoti hain: Ek wo, jo ALLAH ki taraf se aati hai or ek wo, jo insaan khud apni marzi se karta hai. ALLAH jab apko apne kisi chahne waale se juda karta hai to Wo apke dil me ek Sabar bhi deta hai, lakin ye insaan bohat he zyada be-reham or zaalim hote hain, judai ke sath sath be-chaini, dukh or dard bhi de jaate hain apko tohfe ki surat me jo kabhi bhi aapka sath NAHI chodta. ALLAH janta hai ke uska banda ye judai bardash NAHI kar payega isiliye wo juda to karta hai lakin apki zindagi ko be-maine nahi banata, apko tasalli or hausla deta hai. Lakin ye LOG pyaar ke naam par judai, ruswai or zillat bhari zindagi de jaate hain. Umar bhar sath nibhane ka waada karke palak jahapkte he wo wada bhool jaate hain.

A2fa ©

The FIRST teacher, Mrs. Zulekha Ali (of Saifee) who taught me. U.K.G, B.. :)
It was the last day of our school :( when I went to her and said, "Ma'am, I want you to write something in my diary and also get a picture clicked with you, as you were the FIRST teacher to teach me (Stepping Stone)"
“I tell you”, “her reaction”; On her face, I still remember the happiness & the feeling of pride.. Her face glowed bright.. With a smile that was so perfect on my side..
She felt happy from the bottom of her heart and said "O my God! You are the first girl to come up to me and say and also remember this.. May God Bless you.." I too felt happy and proud as knowingly or unknowingly I was the reason behind someone's happiness.. I never knew just one very random step of mine could bring someone, so much of happiness. That was the day when I realized that teachers too have a heart like the rest of us, it’s just that they too get irritated at times.. She not only blessed me but very proudly told this thing to each and every teacher present in the staff room.. They too got touchy and blessed me with their kind words and comments.. Don’t really remember who it was but one of the teachers even said, “No one really remembers their first teacher, it’s so nice of her to remember and to come up to you, it feels good.. “
It was a moment full of emotions, feelings, memories, or something you call “Khushi ke Aansu” I remember my eyes were getting wet but then I couldn’t really cry as I was no more in U.K.G, I was old enough to control my tears & emotions.
I really felt like re-living those days. I really was planning to give out the idea of leaving school, but then I needed to think practically, hence, now, I’m in the 2nd year of B.A.
MISS YOU SAIFEE HALL!! ♥

A2fa ©